There's a brick wall~ the bricks are being removed.

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. I used to believe often I risked too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, later in life I am finding the opposite is true.  

When I've worked so long to build a wall around myself to protect me from my own big, bad grizzly fears, I've missed out on so much.

It's been tough to live with the mindset that something may be taken from me (physically or emotionally) or that I may need to be in control of everything that might happen to myself.  I have endured a deeper fear for years.  And years and years and years. Experiencing years of betrayal or abandonment can wreck you and shred you to the core. 

It’s exhausting to live this way.  It makes me sometimes cynical, suspicious and unable to follow my heart all the time because I sit in my own fear once something goes awry or awkward which all things can of course, not only because I am not only afraid of what happen, but because I am so damn tired of being hurt or betrayed.  Aside from that, I am also a hoarder. An emotional hoarder~ I tend to not share all the negative with everyone else because I like to be independent enough to feel that my methods of handling it well in my own way works.  Generally speaking...

So what exactly am I protecting myself from when those walls are up?

•            Fear of rejection   
•          Fear of being ridiculed
•          Fear of failure
•          Fear of being wrong
•          Fear of committing myself to something that could hurt me and having to follow through
•          Fear of being taken advantage of

These fears are so normal that, unless I start to become more self aware (which I am NOW more than ever) they can permeate my everyday interactions.  It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come my way.  When the barriers are up, my life tends to become needlessly limited.  And I say needlessly because I know that at any given point if I gave myself over to it all, I could move fucking mountains.  But guess what, I've started to trust and it feels exhilarating. 

But at the same time, it may have been too late with many occurrences in life. 

I may not bother talking to that one person whom I have connected with from across a room because I'm certain they won’t be interested in a date.  I don’t show how much I care about a person sometimes because I'm afraid they won’t love me back.  Or I have cared so much in the past and given so much and then later was rejected or let down.  I may not have gone for that job or that course because I was thinking I wouldn't get that interview or I wouldn't be able to devote the time I wanted to, to other parts of my life, like my children.  

Nobody likes to feel exposed, but guess what, I am someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal and holy shit, trust issues become even further magnified.

Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn't have to be. I have tried more often to consciously choose to stay open and trusting, I am finding that my world is beginning to change for the better in ways I may never have imagined.

Of course, it is always right to use our instincts as our guide. I know now that I should never set myself up to be shot down emotionally by someone who doesn’t deserve my trust. But equally, I have also learned to start to not let negative past experiences allow me to believe that it’s not safe to trust again.

I’ve also had to restore trust in my Ex because he is the father of my children.  When someone has betrayed you, or made you feel like you can trust them, whatever the case may be, it can be easy to see their every act, decision, or motive later on as suspicious in some way. But to do so is to build up that wall again, which blocks the possibility of positive as well as negative outcomes.

I’ve had to trust that he wants the same as me when it comes to our children, and dare to be vulnerable and speak up when things are not right for them. As a result, they have handled the divorce and the changes to their lives relatively smoothly.

It is not weak to admit to ourselves that we fear rejection.  Better to admit that than to tell yourself, “He’s not my type,” “I don’t have the time/money to do that,” or “People can’t be trusted.”

So I will continue to look at the big, bad fears in the eye and see they are simply trying to protect me from being hurt, I can simply say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d like to see what’s beyond that wall.”