Love With Abandon...

These days I often hear the same stuff over and over again with respect to many things of course.  And it all has to do with the word moderation.  Eat, drink, exercise, sleep, spend money, watch t.v....all in moderation.  Obviously there is a point; neither too much nor too little.  Find the balance, that middle road the halfway point.

This is all well and good in my mind.  But not in love

Caution has no role in love.  Love should not be moderated.  Romance implies abandon.  Romantic gestures are often absurd, you know the stuff that you only see on t.v. or on YouTube videos and the stories that you pass on to your children and grandchildren.  Generally these don't fit into schedules---and that's the point.
They're romantic because they don't make sense.  I AM A HOPELESS ROMANTIC. Ridiculously.

This goes for small gestures too.  Coffee in bed or in the morning together period, a note in a lunch, a random text in the middle of the day--these are not things that need to be done or that advance some bigger plan.  These are those little things that show that someone took time out of their day specifically to take a moment to think about you to send you that message, that someone chose to think about you rather than the million other god forsaken things that go through our heads at any time of day.  These things don't make sense from a planning point-of-view.  AND they're very romantic for it.

I have given a lot of thought to these things in the last few weeks and I gave thought to the things that are often said; hell even I have said them about love and relationships that reflect caution, but I don't think they belong in the world of love and romance.

~ "Let's slow things down." Why would you want to? Life is too short- if you find someone you like and who doesn't run away from you, then for fucks sake just GO FOR IT.

~ "I need some time."  We all need time, but tell me...what are you possibly going to do with it that's better than spending it with a person who makes your heart race?  What the hell are you spending that time doing anyway?  Probably wondering if you should be with this person instead of just being with this person.  I'd rather spend time deliberating my monthly budget and my cell phone plan.  Not romance.

~ "I don't have room in my life for this right now."  Because everything you have going on in your life right now is so important that it doesn't leave a second for a special someone.  Because nothing else that matters to you COULD actually mean more with someone to share it with.  Because you might even think that love is a competing priority versus a presence.  It's not either/or--it can be both, and both is pretty fucking fantastic.

~ "I don't want to get hurt again."  Sure, just prolong the dull ache of loneliness instead.  That's much better.  And really, don't worry about the euphoria before the pain, that doesn't count. Not at all (Please.) Even I know that being afraid to live is to accept death far too early--why is it that we think the same way when it comes to love?

I'm sitting here typing next to my little girl while she watches her brand new (absolute fave!!) movie Frozen.
And they're playing the song "Love Is An Open Door."  Because it really is.  Love can open more doors than you can count keys on your heart (key) ring.  The last thing I will ever do is to tell her not to trust her heart.  There is part of protecting her heart that I will teach her.  I will cry with her when she experiences heartbreak, I will hold her close when she considers the man that she just "Let It Go" with decides to use one of these above mentioned excuses.  And I will tell her..."Honey, you're worth it" over and over and over again.

Because in my world.  Romance is worth it.  Love is worth it.  Living and breathing it in deep while it's in the palm of your hand is worth it's weight in gold.  Platinum gold.

Spring is here today~ Tend appropriately

They say that you should always look both ways before crossing the road.  
You should also look up before leaping to grab onto a branch, look down before taking the leap from whatever object you are standing on.  This is to ensure your landing is solidified.

It's always about the safety of whatever actions you may or may not take, to ensure that you're covered for the after effect of that action.  Even the things that come out of your mouth should always be thought about, in a moments time, to ensure you don't poison the flower you are watering with your words.

Last time I was here, I admitted to being fearful.

And it was mostly for my own well being, my own safety, my own heart.  But by admitting to those fears, not just for myself, but openly to anyone in the world who could possibly read it, I did something then...  

I started to let go even more than I already have in the last year...and it's been wonderful.  

I also know that with Spring arriving it makes me want to dive into gardening, make me notice the sun a bit more and what is happening all around me.  

Gardening takes time, kind of like other things in life.  So I have some tips. 

~ If there are seeds that are planted by anyone who says they want to grow with you, water and sow as necessary.  

But be careful not to soak or parch heavily.  

Seeds can die with too little or too much attention.

~ Don't let anyone invade your garden with weeds, tend to them, turn over, pull them from the roots out, make a pile and burn later. 

~ Pay attention to where the wind is blowing you and where the sun is shining, your roots generally know where they want to take hold of themselves, you just have to trust the process. 

~ Grow and expand the loving, good parts of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Doing so ultimately feeds and fuels the goodness in our soil, relationships and it enriches our lives.  

And finally...you're not meant to garden alone. 

There's a brick wall~ the bricks are being removed.

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. I used to believe often I risked too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, later in life I am finding the opposite is true.  

When I've worked so long to build a wall around myself to protect me from my own big, bad grizzly fears, I've missed out on so much.

It's been tough to live with the mindset that something may be taken from me (physically or emotionally) or that I may need to be in control of everything that might happen to myself.  I have endured a deeper fear for years.  And years and years and years. Experiencing years of betrayal or abandonment can wreck you and shred you to the core. 

It’s exhausting to live this way.  It makes me sometimes cynical, suspicious and unable to follow my heart all the time because I sit in my own fear once something goes awry or awkward which all things can of course, not only because I am not only afraid of what happen, but because I am so damn tired of being hurt or betrayed.  Aside from that, I am also a hoarder. An emotional hoarder~ I tend to not share all the negative with everyone else because I like to be independent enough to feel that my methods of handling it well in my own way works.  Generally speaking...

So what exactly am I protecting myself from when those walls are up?

•            Fear of rejection   
•          Fear of being ridiculed
•          Fear of failure
•          Fear of being wrong
•          Fear of committing myself to something that could hurt me and having to follow through
•          Fear of being taken advantage of

These fears are so normal that, unless I start to become more self aware (which I am NOW more than ever) they can permeate my everyday interactions.  It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come my way.  When the barriers are up, my life tends to become needlessly limited.  And I say needlessly because I know that at any given point if I gave myself over to it all, I could move fucking mountains.  But guess what, I've started to trust and it feels exhilarating. 

But at the same time, it may have been too late with many occurrences in life. 

I may not bother talking to that one person whom I have connected with from across a room because I'm certain they won’t be interested in a date.  I don’t show how much I care about a person sometimes because I'm afraid they won’t love me back.  Or I have cared so much in the past and given so much and then later was rejected or let down.  I may not have gone for that job or that course because I was thinking I wouldn't get that interview or I wouldn't be able to devote the time I wanted to, to other parts of my life, like my children.  

Nobody likes to feel exposed, but guess what, I am someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal and holy shit, trust issues become even further magnified.

Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn't have to be. I have tried more often to consciously choose to stay open and trusting, I am finding that my world is beginning to change for the better in ways I may never have imagined.

Of course, it is always right to use our instincts as our guide. I know now that I should never set myself up to be shot down emotionally by someone who doesn’t deserve my trust. But equally, I have also learned to start to not let negative past experiences allow me to believe that it’s not safe to trust again.

I’ve also had to restore trust in my Ex because he is the father of my children.  When someone has betrayed you, or made you feel like you can trust them, whatever the case may be, it can be easy to see their every act, decision, or motive later on as suspicious in some way. But to do so is to build up that wall again, which blocks the possibility of positive as well as negative outcomes.

I’ve had to trust that he wants the same as me when it comes to our children, and dare to be vulnerable and speak up when things are not right for them. As a result, they have handled the divorce and the changes to their lives relatively smoothly.

It is not weak to admit to ourselves that we fear rejection.  Better to admit that than to tell yourself, “He’s not my type,” “I don’t have the time/money to do that,” or “People can’t be trusted.”

So I will continue to look at the big, bad fears in the eye and see they are simply trying to protect me from being hurt, I can simply say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d like to see what’s beyond that wall.”