After my divorce, which is now approaching 9 months ago, several friends seemed to vanish into thin air or became distant. It was probably not wise of me to try to bottle up all my problems and not talk about them to friends and family at first. In fact, I've barely just begun to open the doors a bit.
To this day, I struggle with figuring out why my divorce cost me friends. I've spent plenty of hours analyzing this and only recently realized that I'm not alone. When I mentioned this to a colleague, she expressed curiosity and encouraged me to cover the topic for my own piece of mind. And so I have...
To this day, I struggle with figuring out why my divorce cost me friends. I've spent plenty of hours analyzing this and only recently realized that I'm not alone. When I mentioned this to a colleague, she expressed curiosity and encouraged me to cover the topic for my own piece of mind. And so I have...
Most people report that some of their friends become invisible while they're in the process of divorcing. Sadly, this was my experience and I'm still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. The first few major events in town and even a holiday after my marriage collapsed, I was struck by how few invitations arrived via email or my mailbox. I quickly learned that there are many reasons why friends disappear or become remote.
Perhaps one reason why friendships change so much after divorce is because friends--like some family members--aren't comfortable with grief and so become rejecting or "cooled off." They might even side with your ex, not realizing that they are causing a polarizing and encouraging conflict between the two of you. Friends and family often take sides after divorce. Let's face it--most people don't have a clue about how to support and friend who is suddenly single and quite possibly dating. I even went as far as searching out renowned divorce experts and they cite this.
Four main reason why friendships change after divorce are as follows.
1. You are seen as a threat. As a newly divorced person, you are suddenly seen as eligible to your married friends. So invitations die off or disappear.
2. Divorce is polarizing. Friends tend to side with one partner--either the ex-hubby or the ex-wifey. Rarely do friends maintain contact with both partners. Thus, you might lose the friends who sided with your ex.
3. Fear. Many people fear that if they associate with others whose marriages ended, theirs will head in the same direction. Several women told others that the shakier their friend's marriage appeared, the more quickly they were abandoned by that person.
4. Social Stigma. Married people are simply seen as mainstream and more acceptable in our couple-oriented culture. While this issue has subsided somewhat in the past decade as we've witnessed the second and third generation of divorce in our country, it's still alive in many social circles. Divorced people are viewed as part of a singles subculture where the standards are seen as looser, and that may make some married people uncomfortable. Divorce can change the dynamics in any relationship, and particularly in friendships, it's important to set boundaries. For instance, I might feel like venting with a friend and bemoaning the loss of a love, and they might not be up for a heavy conversation. Letting your friends know what your needs are can be very helpful. I have to be sure to tell others the truth but be sensitive to their limitations and desire to discuss other topics. It's normal to feel emotionally needy as I'm navigating the grieving process, but friends play a different role than counselors. So give them a breather by keeping things light at times.
If you're reading this and wonder how to support a friend through post-divorce, perhaps the best thing you can do is offer them the acceptance of a listening ear. Try to avoid appearing judgmental since your friend could be hypersensitive to comments that come across as blameful.
Think about it--when someone is grieving the loss of a marriage (or not really grieving like you'd expect them too) they need time to grieve and gain a better perspective on things. Ideally, friends will be there for each other when they are at their worst. Some are definitely keepers in my books.
In my case, I've been lucky to make new friends who are beginning to enrich my life since my divorce. Fortunately, I have even held onto a few friendships for decades, in spite of my changes in lifestyle and marital status. I've been blessed with good fortune of having many amazing friends who have been there for me during times of turmoil and triumph, as I hope I have been able to do so for them.
Perhaps one reason why friendships change so much after divorce is because friends--like some family members--aren't comfortable with grief and so become rejecting or "cooled off." They might even side with your ex, not realizing that they are causing a polarizing and encouraging conflict between the two of you. Friends and family often take sides after divorce. Let's face it--most people don't have a clue about how to support and friend who is suddenly single and quite possibly dating. I even went as far as searching out renowned divorce experts and they cite this.
Four main reason why friendships change after divorce are as follows. 1. You are seen as a threat. As a newly divorced person, you are suddenly seen as eligible to your married friends. So invitations die off or disappear.
2. Divorce is polarizing. Friends tend to side with one partner--either the ex-hubby or the ex-wifey. Rarely do friends maintain contact with both partners. Thus, you might lose the friends who sided with your ex.
3. Fear. Many people fear that if they associate with others whose marriages ended, theirs will head in the same direction. Several women told others that the shakier their friend's marriage appeared, the more quickly they were abandoned by that person.
4. Social Stigma. Married people are simply seen as mainstream and more acceptable in our couple-oriented culture. While this issue has subsided somewhat in the past decade as we've witnessed the second and third generation of divorce in our country, it's still alive in many social circles. Divorced people are viewed as part of a singles subculture where the standards are seen as looser, and that may make some married people uncomfortable. Divorce can change the dynamics in any relationship, and particularly in friendships, it's important to set boundaries. For instance, I might feel like venting with a friend and bemoaning the loss of a love, and they might not be up for a heavy conversation. Letting your friends know what your needs are can be very helpful. I have to be sure to tell others the truth but be sensitive to their limitations and desire to discuss other topics. It's normal to feel emotionally needy as I'm navigating the grieving process, but friends play a different role than counselors. So give them a breather by keeping things light at times.
If you're reading this and wonder how to support a friend through post-divorce, perhaps the best thing you can do is offer them the acceptance of a listening ear. Try to avoid appearing judgmental since your friend could be hypersensitive to comments that come across as blameful.
Think about it--when someone is grieving the loss of a marriage (or not really grieving like you'd expect them too) they need time to grieve and gain a better perspective on things. Ideally, friends will be there for each other when they are at their worst. Some are definitely keepers in my books.
In my case, I've been lucky to make new friends who are beginning to enrich my life since my divorce. Fortunately, I have even held onto a few friendships for decades, in spite of my changes in lifestyle and marital status. I've been blessed with good fortune of having many amazing friends who have been there for me during times of turmoil and triumph, as I hope I have been able to do so for them.
