So there is this B word, heard of it?

Whew, it's been a while since I have come across the pages of my blog, but lo and behold, I thought I was going to have some brilliant thing to share via another social site and realized that it would have been better off to have epiphany's elsewhere, hence this blog I am welcoming back into my time and space!

Speaking of space, we recently made the BIG MOVE to a new town with our family.  Things have gone slow, steady and overall pretty great!  We have a beautiful lot that the house sits on. There are 12 full grown trees total that make up the landscaping and the species variety of trees blows my mind.  Speaking of landscaping, if someone would like to volunteer some sweat, muscles and time to helping me clean up the yard I would openly welcome it!!  Anyone?  "crickets chirping"  Bueller?  The home is actually a bit bigger than we were thinking, but it has more character.  The neighbors homes are not 5 feet away from yours, the inside of the home has more walls as the house was originally built in 1977.   I am enjoying the thrill of having my very own garden!  It is blossoming beautifully and I couldn't have asked for a better turnout for all the sweat, blood (yes) and some tears I put into it.  The tears mostly came from the tweaked muscles, but hey, I know my body is working, my veggies and fruits are growing and the raspberry patch on the South side is more than I could have ever asked for.  It gives me the warm fuzzies when I see my boy going to pick raspberries fresh off the branch just to have a "snack."

Speaking of the boy, my kiddo's have come across new adventures around every corner!  We feel very fortunate that we have this magnificent sized yard that provides them with their little safari atmosphere.  Lately the catch of the day has been more frogs n toads!  My son...oh my precious boy.  As any proud Mom would say of their child, he could quite possibly be a Zoologist when he chooses his future endeavors!  We now know where our lil man's passions lie.  And they lie in mother earth indeed.  My daughter, she is carving her own path still.  We know she loves music, turtles, water, dirt, My Little Ponies, Super Mario, puzzles, coloring and everything in the toy section at a store.  Wait a second, oh yeah, she's 4.

Check out this frogger pic, you will get an idea of what the boy has been catching.

Someone asked me recently how I managed certain aspects of my life.  It was a "when do you ever get to see people" question.  That question was a little unexpected!  They also inquired about certain things such as time and where my energy is pulled.  I don't show the details of it, but I can say, for those that do know where my time goes, I thank you for acknowledging it VERY much!  I've felt as though people have needed me more lately each day. (pssst, kids)  I was surprised when the words that came out of my mouth were "achieving a balance for me means acknowledging people and honoring their presence somehow."  Whoah.  Where in Sam H E Double Hockey Sticks does that come from? (sorry always have wanted to type it) I've found with taking some more time here and there to meditate while in my garden, I'm achieving a bit more of a balance in thoughts.  I recommend this therapy to anyone who wants to try gardening by the way. 

So, here's what I do to honor them.  When I think of that family member, friend or whomever the person is, I just acknowledge it.  I sit and let myself think of them and then I think of them in a healing and peaceful light and I smile that I have them.  I will sometimes send a message via text, email or fcbk message on their wall too!  Modern technology makes this SO easy to do.  I believe that when I am doing this, I can honor the thought and spend a few moments there and then move back to being in the present.

What I figured out is that when I let myself spend a LOT of time focusing on my family members on the other side of the state or country for that matter, is that it takes away from the life I am living.  If I focus on them all day long and worry…which solves nothing… then I'm not available for my hubby, my kids or my sanctity and well being.  Being present can be a challenge when your focus is some place else. I think "how would my MIL feel if I sat all day and worried about her and didn't connect with my family?"  I make sure that I take the time to acknowledge.. I also make sure that I plan intentional time to call, message, text or whatever to my family and spend time with them when I can.

This is all part of the balance I have been working toward. Being present is a valuable thing, it saves time, worry and relationships.  With being present, I have been working on communicating what ever I may feel which will help me achieve the balance I crave.  But right now, I am craving a shower because I am a dirtball from the garden time today~

Don't always stay in your 'place.'

I am here to ask you (whoever the you's are) to reach out to someone today. It's the most I can muster up as for some reason I am sitting here, an emotional bumbling mess, because I am thinking of those I can't be near, more often. It's been sitting heavy on my heart.

It's been some time since I have lost someone personally that I was close too. Not that it matters, because truth be told, I feel a sense of that loss for anyone that loses somebody, even if it's someone I don't know well. One of my favorite things to do is reach out to someone and give them a much unexpected full hug. I LOVE HUGS.

But as I type this, I can tell you that we need to reach out to grieving people, happy people, unsure people and then some. Even if it may be that we're afraid because we don't know what to say, or want to respect their privacy or, I love this one, "don't want to give them the wrong idea that you may be paying attention to them."

I personally have never been one to feel the need to stay in my place in those respects. But what has become clear to me is that the phone calls, text messages, emails and yes, even the facebook posts are an immense help to everyone!

This involves knowing our own power and what our simple words and gestures can bring to another human being. We must have self-esteem to realize that "I'm so sorry" or "how ya doing" carries weight, that even if the person doesn't want to talk now, that person may later say "call me, text me, email me anytime, day or night" is GOLD. Even better, hearing that from a dozen or more other people means that no matter what the situation is, that person has a go to option to feel loved. OH- and if there was a matter of a disagreement, pending release of things owed or borrowed, work it out later or don't, but remember. We are all humans. We all have that top layer to us where our thoughts direct our choices based on our values, goals, intent and beliefs.

Thoughtful acts like taking step out of place, are not only strokes for the receiver, they produce warm feelings for myself when I reach out assertively. Even if it is possible comedic sarcasm :) I never worry about objection anymore, a common excuse for avoiding assertions! These movements involve concern for the other person, and some courage of my own. Yet, realistically, who could reject such a kindness? And really, why would you think people are stalking you? There is a reason they are friends with you from somewhere.

It used to be for me that facebook, myspace, livejournal and so much more were just for fun. I used to think; why do we need to communicate with so-and-so from high school or a former co-worker when we've been just fine without contact for all these years?

I'll tell you why. Because that former high school friend whom I spent every day with in some way or co-worker whom I had a nice rapport with forever ago may be the one who writes to me with advice, comments or support that fills me with glorious happiness for even a moment. The person that I connected with, even fleetingly, might be the one that recommends a fabulous book when I'm ready to seek someone else's written word. For instance, I received an unexpected package of venison jerky last week from an old high school pal who knows how much I MISS venison! (yes I am an hunter, have missed it a few years, but it's in my blood)

Because of sheer volume, responses to things on any social site can be where I go again and again to breathe my way through a tough moment, to divert me for a little while as it all sinks in. It makes all the rest of it better, it causes for other ways of thinking and concepts, it shows us the friends and family who are physically there and whose voices and hugs bring much-needed love. It's been a topic of discussion in our house as to why others do or don't reach out more often.

And while my focus here might be on doing this in happy times, my strong suggestion holds true –of course– in sad, questionable and troubling times too. Ask anybody who has experienced an outpouring of birthday love on a social site if that isn’t pause for gratitude and a refocus on priorities. It is community love, concentrated, intense and reverberating.

Reach out, people. Really. Different faces, different places and all different walks of life.

The voice that carries you.

Ok; so a little career related spillage today.

I'm realizing more that the sound of my voice is the most intimate part of my communication and the public part of myself. I thought it made more of an impact on when I was doing "sales" previously in front of a crowd, but the voice I carry means so much more than that. It's the voice that says "I love you" to my children and my husband. The voice that sternly picks up when I have lost patience, the voice which shows how I care about others and their life. AND, the voice that EVERYONE else hears every time. One would think that I would want to listen to myself with the same attention and thoughtfulness that I would examine a photograph of myself for my facebook or for my walls in the house. But no. There are several reasons why I am reluctant.

• I did not evolve hearing my own voice as others hear it. (I DID evolve with the ability to see myself on reflective surfaces like water.) It is psychologically shocking to hear the voice as it is ‘out there’ and not as it sounds in my head during the act of speaking.

• I am highly skilled at reading the voices of others. Sadly, I sometimes make judgments based on this information. I feel exquisitely vulnerable when my own voice falls within this sensitive analytic radar. It's almost a high though as I find I feed off it.
  

• I know how to smile and comb my hair and otherwise manage my visual impact. But, I do not completely know how much I can improve my vocal image.

It's a little intimidating when there are so many technological advances in audio recording that I am unaware of, but I am determined to make it sound better with good equipment and listening to my voice objectively. (without a damn answering machine)

The moral of this story:

1. You can improve the sound of your voice. In your life, the way you speak to others, the way you speak to yourself internally too. You don’t have to be stuck the way you are.
2. Start with focused listening to determine what aspect you would like to change. We're already making changes, I'm making changes. I have made my first step.

The Cat Is Out.

Remember the times when all you did was just go through each day "living the life?" Those moments when you know you are planted and will be staying in a house for quite a while kind of feeling. We've be planted in our home for 4 1/2 years in South Central part of the state. We live on a pretty nice corner lot in town, where the yard stretches out into a fun play place. Only downfall to our yard is that there is a fence missing and that there are little valley's of hills. Everywhere!

SO when it rains it drains. All the way to the back of our yard to be exact. It can be quite the hassle when you want to go in the back and trudge around! Our deck is sweet; we've grilled there a lot and had birthday parties outside too. My house catches the full midday sunshine and I plant my butt in my laundry folding spot on the floor in the light of our front of our window often. My son spoke his first real words here and bravely pulled his first tooth two teeth this week! My daughter first learned how to walk, turtle talk and dance here. We moved to our spot right when things started to get smoother early in our marriage. There have been a lot of really good times, memories of our dude going to school the first time too.

Well, the lights are quite bright these days as our family is going to be making the transition from our current grounds to a new "stomping ground." Sometimes making decisions for yourself other than your kids (whom have always come first) can be a task. We've found it has been more recently, as we have made a choice to plant ourselves elsewhere as of summer this year! This is a HUGE change for us, but a very positive one for our family as a whole. I think we came to an agreement that we would move when our kids were younger, but the simple fact of what I WILL be up to in the future kind of just made it happen for us!

Our future plans will move us about an hour North of where we reside currently. Not only will this allow us to be closer to home to be with our children more often, but it will also reduce the drive time for the both of us. The other thing we realized is that the things our family is generally interested in; just don't happen close enough to where we live now. Also, we're excited to find out that the place we we're considering actually has a wonderful school district! Means easier transitions for the lil kiddos.

AND, I have to note this post as a dated admission and commitment that, I will be attending school come fall of 2012! I mentioned how I needed to make the scheduled things happen, and they are happening quickly! I found the passion which I will pursue. I will be studying and enhancing my radio personality and broadcasting career! I'm going to make a commitment to find something I can "dig" outside of being the other titles. I know it's going to be successful and we will make more changes in the future. I'm already set to go with admissions~ so there is that!! I'm excited. I'm ready.

The hubby is excited about not having to endure the long drive to work and back home time. I can understand why! But, he drives everywhere, and it will save on some gas money on his vehicle, and mine too. Making the move is going to give me an opportunity to pursue the marketing and promotions side of radio, which could open more doors. I am highly considering doing podcast programs for more practice! So I have to ask~ if you read this, de-lurk yourself and let me know if you'd listen in.

New adventures really are the beginning of better roads for our family. The changes will mean greater chances for doing those things we love, which includes; music, theaters, festivals, dining & expanded grocery stores! I am really excited about the new grocery store opportunities we will have closer to us. Call me silly, but any Mom with an allergen induced kid will understand. SO I will continue to be a full time stay at home Momma until the leaves turn amber shades of yellow. The lil girl will be headed to preschool too. This will be quite the test to see if she "really" wants to go as bad as she says she does! The preschool screening was nerve racking to be honest. Here I was thinking they were going to tell me she was socially not ready, her love of turtles needs to be analyzed and that she loves her Mom too much. Well apparently I was wrong, as they said she's developmentally ready. I feel like I am not ready to hear about the first time she has a note come home about her telling teachers "NO" too many times! I have faith in my SWC, lots of it. And I also have faith she will be a challenge at times, ha ha.

June is going to come quickly. So why am I announcing this here?

A few reasons. 1. Because I have family and friends that are regularly associated with me via the internet! It's not a bad thing, we are just associated with each other more often on the internet than other places it seems. I want to honor these friendships, associations and family ties by giving it a bit of time to process and then I can always answer questions via the webbernet the same! 2. Because I want to write about some things related to transitioning and some lessons I am learning. And well, I can't write about transitioning if I haven't announced it, so here it is.

This is our first time even thinking of moving (and taking it seriously) since we knew this town was a great place for our kids. We've been extremely thankful for living where we do. It has taught me so much as to what we love as a family and I feel extremely lucky to have discovered our town when we did. Now on to another town and new roads, literally- NEW ROADS!!! When they will ever fix the roads around our current neighborhood is beyond my knowledge.

So that's it. The cat's out of the bag!

Shut the front door!!

Alright, so it's been an interesting subject the last few days with various people about what I do, what I want to do and where I am going. Here is the thing, not all SAH-Mom's have no idea what to do with their time, when to say what to whom and fall under the tree of "no idea what's going on with the world." Granted yes, I will admit that there are some days when I take a step back and ask myself, "when was the last time you watched the news?" But then I have my hubby to thank for his knowledge and updates. This guy can read articles on his cell phone for hours at a time, all I have to do is ask "whatcha reading about" and he is happy to share his story. With all the extra details! Sometimes I have to point out to get to the point, but nonetheless I love this part of him.

So this may be a bit of a rampage nice post with explanations. Time to pull out the monsters from under the bed and ask them to help me say this (can you hear me with my monster mom voice now?) This is about things we shouldn't say to SAHM's.

"What do you do with all that free time?"

"Oh you know, I sit on the couch watching talk shows all day, facebooking with my girlfriends, while I gracefully sip my latte and eat chocolate" HA!! I fix three full meals and two snacks every day; I make beds; I clean up constantly - toys, dust, vacuuming, wiping spills; I wipe noses; I wipe bottoms; I toilet train; I teach manners; I chase my kids; I play cars and trucks and robots and trains oh, and pretend play, games etc.; I read to my children; I do crafts with my children; I tickle my children; I run errands; I schedule every freaking appointment you can think of; I volunteer at big man's school; like a million other small things that fill up every single second of my day. So basically, I do nothing.

As anyone who's spent a day alone with a child under age 4 can explain, there's hardly time to use the bathroom, let alone lounge around. Questions like this come from people who don't know what it's like to scrub off the chairs, change diapers which later moves to changing clothes if there is a potty accident or the kid decides to color on him/herself when I look away for 2 minutes, hell, let's fold laundry again. Plus, depending on the kid's, there are times when I hardly have a second to myself, because my child could choke on something or fall off of any random household piece of furniture if I look away for a moment. This has literally caused me to seem OCD about my home being clean and free of clutter. I enjoy the OCD a bit now though, it's nice to have a clean space for the fam to thrive in. (Most days- "smirk")

"If you're tired, why don't you nap when your kid does?"

Newsflash: Kids don't always nap every day. When they are newborns, sure. But kids grow. The only thing worse than attempting to fully function on a wink of an hour nap time is hearing "maybe you could nap when they do?" We are down to a nap maybe twice a week in our house now, my little is almost 4. I can tell when she is cranky and ready to take a snooze, and when it happens I am RUNNING around the house catching up on something else. It's a rarity when I say, "ahhh, quiet time, I'm going to read a book." Nope, I read when everyone else is in bed actually. And yep, the dishes won't wash themselves. Damn.

"Your husband must do really well. I couldn't afford to stay home!" "It's just a luxury that we can't afford"

Yeah, it is pretty luxurious with all the snot wiping and no vacations and the smell of various cleaning products, sanitizers and soaps I can seem to get off my hands. Oh and~ However hefty our account balance is, a comment about my family's cash flow can rub me the wrong way. Besides, that assumption might not even be true. We truly make calculated and tough choices. There are many things we would LOVE to have, like to enjoy and splurge on. It takes time to learn this still. While some of the highest-earning guys have wives who stay home, so do just as many of the lowest-earning ones! And, a lot of the time, not only does the guy earn a small paycheck, but also, the woman's own earning power is low compared to the cost of childcare—which means that working hardly pays off, especially with the time and stress involved.

On the other side of the coin, many women earn as much as (or more than) their hubby's, so choosing to stay home means sacrificing major bucks—for instance, I had a "job" and it truly could have gone somewhere BIG, but I realized that this job was taking up more time than what I was giving back to my family. I may not have continued the amazing run, went for the gusto with the big paychecks but I did give all the time back to my children and in such a short time, it has paid off beyond what I was expecting. AND it's improved the vows.

"When are you going to return to a job?"

OK- so you are saying that I should have a mapped out plan? Let's look at a little reality. The economy right now is leaving people struggling everywhere. It doesn't leave a lot of room to figure out the immediate future. As I Mom, sure I worry that when I choose to return to the workforce that I will be able to get a job. But guess what, I don't need some reminding of it. Asking when also implies that it may just be a temporary detour, when it may not be for that person. Try asking me if I am interested in returning to work someday, not when.


"So you're never going to get to read a book again. Travel. Or Shower. Or enjoy anything you like."

This was a great one when I first became a stay at home mom. Generally coming from fellow mothers who stayed at home all day with infants or toddlers. I swear to crap this was retrying to commiserate, not terrify, but sometimes this comes off as more discouragement more than camaraderie. It's the old "I suffered through it and now it's your turn, so I am going to let you know how tough it is" thing. Why does it seem like other parents are more afraid to emphasize the great things about having children? If there was not those amazing and incredible moments, then they certainly wouldn't be having multiple kids! Try this method. It's kinder. "Oh you are at home with your 3 month old?" "How is it going so far?" You are then leaving a door open to build on that Mothers positive things and help her move forward to more of the joys that will come.

Oh I like this one: "I could never do what you do, because I would just freak out without having adult conversation."

Um, guess what?! Mary Poppins got paid. Whether intentionally condescending or accidentally so, maybe these kinds of comments may stem from someone else's insecurity about their own role as a parent. There's a lot of jealousy on both sides—from working moms and stay-at-home moms, because honestly, neither situation is easy. It's like what we all went through in seventh grade—if you can't feel great about what you're doing, the next best thing is to feel better than someone else, so you put the other Mom's choices down. NOT Cool- you are so, like, ugh.

There is a few more, but now this post has gone awry and I am finished being cranky.

Unlocking

The weekend has come and is now about to go out the door. The weeks have passed and gone with a fury. Yet each day I feel like they are not long enough! I find that keeping up with my kids while attempting to unlock other doors personally can be challenging. Nonetheless, I am going to turn keys, knock harder, break hinges if I have to and show myself it's possible!

Speaking of all things possible; never thought I'd see my son climb up a 25 foot ladder to the top of an inflatable slide only to come down 6 more times with a HUGE smile on his face. I've loved any type of inflatable bouncing castle since I was young. In fact, I remember it was one of the first things I ran to at our old county fair. This is what the air filled fun & the idea of his massive climb looked like. I attribute the braveness to his good pal pushing him along gently with smiles and laughter. Watching boys play and overcome fears is something I have come to appreciate more often. I've appreciated overcoming my own and still do.


While time has sped by, it's allowed me to turn inward quite a bit. Life stopped moving smoothly for a while and I found that I was spreading myself too thin, spending time on things that truly didn't matter. I was not taking moments to assess what I wanted to conquer next. I have always known that there was a reason and purpose I was birthed into this world- but never focused on it. It has has been quite devastating. Seems as though as Wife & Mom I thought that falling into the "place" of what others thought I was, well it was OK and completely normal. Seems like many think it is an assumed title that you give ALL to your kids and family. And believe me I do. BUT- we can't forget we are human, we have passions and we need to feel happy with where we are when those kids move out the door and into their own pursuit of happiness.

Going with the flow has led me to say "yes" to everything and everyone else, except my own interests and needs. As of last year, I have decided to focus a lot of my energy into changing this. So I began redefining the foundation of who I REALLY am and what I bring into this world.

I think that if you are in a transition and ready for a change, or just want to tap into your highest creative potential you have to make it a process: So it has gone like this so far.

1. Evaluating my priorities.

There has been many days, evenings and afternoons during an hour of nap time where I have pulled out a sheet of paper, listened to music at the same time and wrote down important questions. 1. What is important to me? 2. What makes me happy? 3. What would I do for FREE?

My immediate responses were: helping others, working with people and public, being around and listening to ANY music. AHA!! There we have it, these are things I need to work on doing more of.

2. Freeing myself of things that truly don't serve any good.

My best self generally feels energized, alive with smiles and kindness, feels as though I have given and contributed with progress for the better being made. With this in mind I have taken more time to look at my life and all of the things I was doing. For each activity it is mentally noted, Does [X] motivate and energize me? Help move my priorities for myself and my family forward? Provide more opportunities for growth and tapping into more relationships? Play a positive role?

Those questions were HUGE and it flipped the switch of change/no change. So I have ended some things that were not aligned with my purpose, requested that my spouse and I continue to grow in our relationship with counseling, read more books, go see more live performances/shows, give everyone a chance to show me themselves and let go of acquaintances who have purely stabbed me/pushed me the wrong way too many times and tried to play nice later, or are energy SUCKERS.

I've felt like moving to a new area in the metro, scary to think about, but could be better for other paths. I have started to read more (thank you book club), I make it a point to go to more concerts and live shows 3 times a month, started working out on a consistent basis while having a (mostly) clean diet, and have started to surround myself with more people who share the same values, challenge me and help me feel like the best ME. Love is included in here; there is more days where I feel more love for the hubby than ever before, because he accepts ME for who I am, recognizes that I have dreams too and above all; wants to make a better US.

Now I have to move on to step #3- this is coming this week; setting up a structured schedule.

I have used the phrase often in the last few weeks. "There goes my frontal lobes popping again." Oh yeah, I am quite the imaginative gal. I also am very motivated to get things done. But I am also an inflated bouncer. If I kept myself to a more structured schedule daily and weekly, it will get me more excited. I think feeling the most inspired to do MORE is when I do the good work, am active, and include play (with my littles too- they are liking this activity more often but it isn't scheduled...yet) For instance, was this mud mayhem scheduled today? No. Oh hell no! Any Mom who does this may get evaluated as out of her freaking mind. But does it make me happy to see them happy? Absolutely.

Step #4 is coming. I've made a decision where I am going to go with a career path. Someone told me I was getting a late start. I say I've only just begun and only I can determine the end. The locked doors have been found, the keys are on the chain and now to turn them.

Getting there...

Ok, so I have not touched this in a while, but it is coming around. I'm getting there.


Since the last time I grazed this blog, there has been a slew of tumultuous occurrences in life. Then again I wouldn't expect it any other way. Because I think without that there wouldn't be that point of ultimate happiness. But it's getting there.

Looking back to November; well we had the holidaze come and go. I had my own surprise couples weekend with the hubby- it couldn't have happened at a better time. We needed it; I needed it- to get back to a place where we were 7 years ago. We're getting there again.

We were happy to give to so many! To see love and smiles come through their faces when receiving, it was truly priceless. Sure, it was an extra hit on the pocketbook, but that's just money. The accounts are getting there once again to the point of smoothing out.

With the holidaze; guess what, I went to church on Christmas- to be with my family. I felt out of place. There is a change coming for me spiritually that has been in process for a few years really. I don't have the exact answers yet, but this is who I know myself to be...I'm getting there.

I've been taking a lot of time, drives, letters, communication, phone calls, text messages and emails since last year. It is causing some waves of emotions internally and in my soul. I'm very lucky to have the people that love me in my life "right now." I'm very lucky to have the tenacity to see it through. I'm getting to the point of finding my passions once again.

This post is very cryptic. I realize this. But it will come to the point where it's a blow over and make sense later. Until then- stay there. I'm here.