Love With Abandon...

These days I often hear the same stuff over and over again with respect to many things of course.  And it all has to do with the word moderation.  Eat, drink, exercise, sleep, spend money, watch t.v....all in moderation.  Obviously there is a point; neither too much nor too little.  Find the balance, that middle road the halfway point.

This is all well and good in my mind.  But not in love

Caution has no role in love.  Love should not be moderated.  Romance implies abandon.  Romantic gestures are often absurd, you know the stuff that you only see on t.v. or on YouTube videos and the stories that you pass on to your children and grandchildren.  Generally these don't fit into schedules---and that's the point.
They're romantic because they don't make sense.  I AM A HOPELESS ROMANTIC. Ridiculously.

This goes for small gestures too.  Coffee in bed or in the morning together period, a note in a lunch, a random text in the middle of the day--these are not things that need to be done or that advance some bigger plan.  These are those little things that show that someone took time out of their day specifically to take a moment to think about you to send you that message, that someone chose to think about you rather than the million other god forsaken things that go through our heads at any time of day.  These things don't make sense from a planning point-of-view.  AND they're very romantic for it.

I have given a lot of thought to these things in the last few weeks and I gave thought to the things that are often said; hell even I have said them about love and relationships that reflect caution, but I don't think they belong in the world of love and romance.

~ "Let's slow things down." Why would you want to? Life is too short- if you find someone you like and who doesn't run away from you, then for fucks sake just GO FOR IT.

~ "I need some time."  We all need time, but tell me...what are you possibly going to do with it that's better than spending it with a person who makes your heart race?  What the hell are you spending that time doing anyway?  Probably wondering if you should be with this person instead of just being with this person.  I'd rather spend time deliberating my monthly budget and my cell phone plan.  Not romance.

~ "I don't have room in my life for this right now."  Because everything you have going on in your life right now is so important that it doesn't leave a second for a special someone.  Because nothing else that matters to you COULD actually mean more with someone to share it with.  Because you might even think that love is a competing priority versus a presence.  It's not either/or--it can be both, and both is pretty fucking fantastic.

~ "I don't want to get hurt again."  Sure, just prolong the dull ache of loneliness instead.  That's much better.  And really, don't worry about the euphoria before the pain, that doesn't count. Not at all (Please.) Even I know that being afraid to live is to accept death far too early--why is it that we think the same way when it comes to love?

I'm sitting here typing next to my little girl while she watches her brand new (absolute fave!!) movie Frozen.
And they're playing the song "Love Is An Open Door."  Because it really is.  Love can open more doors than you can count keys on your heart (key) ring.  The last thing I will ever do is to tell her not to trust her heart.  There is part of protecting her heart that I will teach her.  I will cry with her when she experiences heartbreak, I will hold her close when she considers the man that she just "Let It Go" with decides to use one of these above mentioned excuses.  And I will tell her..."Honey, you're worth it" over and over and over again.

Because in my world.  Romance is worth it.  Love is worth it.  Living and breathing it in deep while it's in the palm of your hand is worth it's weight in gold.  Platinum gold.

Spring is here today~ Tend appropriately

They say that you should always look both ways before crossing the road.  
You should also look up before leaping to grab onto a branch, look down before taking the leap from whatever object you are standing on.  This is to ensure your landing is solidified.

It's always about the safety of whatever actions you may or may not take, to ensure that you're covered for the after effect of that action.  Even the things that come out of your mouth should always be thought about, in a moments time, to ensure you don't poison the flower you are watering with your words.

Last time I was here, I admitted to being fearful.

And it was mostly for my own well being, my own safety, my own heart.  But by admitting to those fears, not just for myself, but openly to anyone in the world who could possibly read it, I did something then...  

I started to let go even more than I already have in the last year...and it's been wonderful.  

I also know that with Spring arriving it makes me want to dive into gardening, make me notice the sun a bit more and what is happening all around me.  

Gardening takes time, kind of like other things in life.  So I have some tips. 

~ If there are seeds that are planted by anyone who says they want to grow with you, water and sow as necessary.  

But be careful not to soak or parch heavily.  

Seeds can die with too little or too much attention.

~ Don't let anyone invade your garden with weeds, tend to them, turn over, pull them from the roots out, make a pile and burn later. 

~ Pay attention to where the wind is blowing you and where the sun is shining, your roots generally know where they want to take hold of themselves, you just have to trust the process. 

~ Grow and expand the loving, good parts of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Doing so ultimately feeds and fuels the goodness in our soil, relationships and it enriches our lives.  

And finally...you're not meant to garden alone. 

There's a brick wall~ the bricks are being removed.

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. I used to believe often I risked too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, later in life I am finding the opposite is true.  

When I've worked so long to build a wall around myself to protect me from my own big, bad grizzly fears, I've missed out on so much.

It's been tough to live with the mindset that something may be taken from me (physically or emotionally) or that I may need to be in control of everything that might happen to myself.  I have endured a deeper fear for years.  And years and years and years. Experiencing years of betrayal or abandonment can wreck you and shred you to the core. 

It’s exhausting to live this way.  It makes me sometimes cynical, suspicious and unable to follow my heart all the time because I sit in my own fear once something goes awry or awkward which all things can of course, not only because I am not only afraid of what happen, but because I am so damn tired of being hurt or betrayed.  Aside from that, I am also a hoarder. An emotional hoarder~ I tend to not share all the negative with everyone else because I like to be independent enough to feel that my methods of handling it well in my own way works.  Generally speaking...

So what exactly am I protecting myself from when those walls are up?

•            Fear of rejection   
•          Fear of being ridiculed
•          Fear of failure
•          Fear of being wrong
•          Fear of committing myself to something that could hurt me and having to follow through
•          Fear of being taken advantage of

These fears are so normal that, unless I start to become more self aware (which I am NOW more than ever) they can permeate my everyday interactions.  It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come my way.  When the barriers are up, my life tends to become needlessly limited.  And I say needlessly because I know that at any given point if I gave myself over to it all, I could move fucking mountains.  But guess what, I've started to trust and it feels exhilarating. 

But at the same time, it may have been too late with many occurrences in life. 

I may not bother talking to that one person whom I have connected with from across a room because I'm certain they won’t be interested in a date.  I don’t show how much I care about a person sometimes because I'm afraid they won’t love me back.  Or I have cared so much in the past and given so much and then later was rejected or let down.  I may not have gone for that job or that course because I was thinking I wouldn't get that interview or I wouldn't be able to devote the time I wanted to, to other parts of my life, like my children.  

Nobody likes to feel exposed, but guess what, I am someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal and holy shit, trust issues become even further magnified.

Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn't have to be. I have tried more often to consciously choose to stay open and trusting, I am finding that my world is beginning to change for the better in ways I may never have imagined.

Of course, it is always right to use our instincts as our guide. I know now that I should never set myself up to be shot down emotionally by someone who doesn’t deserve my trust. But equally, I have also learned to start to not let negative past experiences allow me to believe that it’s not safe to trust again.

I’ve also had to restore trust in my Ex because he is the father of my children.  When someone has betrayed you, or made you feel like you can trust them, whatever the case may be, it can be easy to see their every act, decision, or motive later on as suspicious in some way. But to do so is to build up that wall again, which blocks the possibility of positive as well as negative outcomes.

I’ve had to trust that he wants the same as me when it comes to our children, and dare to be vulnerable and speak up when things are not right for them. As a result, they have handled the divorce and the changes to their lives relatively smoothly.

It is not weak to admit to ourselves that we fear rejection.  Better to admit that than to tell yourself, “He’s not my type,” “I don’t have the time/money to do that,” or “People can’t be trusted.”

So I will continue to look at the big, bad fears in the eye and see they are simply trying to protect me from being hurt, I can simply say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d like to see what’s beyond that wall.”

The Gift Of...

The magic of the holidays, the pretty lights and decorations, the gifts, the wrapping paper, the time you put into figuring out those special things to get the ones you love. I especially love X-Mas, Christmas, Yule, whatever you'd like to refer the time of the year as. 

We take the time to figure out the things to get for those whom we are close to.
Friends, co-workers, daycare givers and possibly your favorite barista at the coffee shop. (yes I have one of those)

I happen to know my favorite thing about presents...it's giving them.  I try to spend extra time thinking of things that my family will love.  I also spend extra time lately determining what it is that makes me feel good about it. Occasionally I will even go past an emotional line and have a near anxiety attack attempting to find the perfect gift. 

But what if...

What if nobody gave me or my children presents anymore.  What if we only gave GIFTS.

The gifts of experience, adventure and more importantly, familiarity that we truly need. Instead of things (toys, games, clothes, more THINGS) that we didn't even really know about or want?  The only thing I truly think my children need is to have more time with their family and close friends.  The only thing I think that my friends and family truly need is to have more time with the ones they truly want in their life.  

Instead of buying my son a toy droid or a video game.  Take him to the Science Museum to see a galaxy.  How it's formed, where the stars line up on a map, what we as humans know to be true about the galaxy and the great battles that are fought outside of our realm of earthly treasures.  Better yet, find a night to go star gazing with him.  Sign him up for a karate class and come to watch him get stronger in mind and body.   Instead of buying my daughter figurines and cute clothes, spend some time with her and bring her to the art center, help me sign her up for a local class like dance, painting or even go as far as bringing her shopping and showing her how to find a sale. 

Although they're always very grateful for whatever it is that they receive, to spend quality time with a family member or a close friend would mean so much more to them than another toy.  See even if you don't have the time, giving them the time of experience and true learning expands their life so much more. 

Don't have a lot of money? (HEY neither do we! It's no big deal!) -- How about just spending some quality time with me one on one, or spending time with the children?  Set a day and take them outside.  Get them to a park, bring them sliding, take them to a movie, take them to a local play place (we LOVE Pump It Up!) Instead of investing in their toy collections, invest in your relationship with them.

I have a good friend whom I've made recently who saw the value in that.  Instead of getting my boy something for his birthday (a material thing) she took him with her and her son to the park. She encouraged her son to invite him over to play with toys. AND HE LOVED IT.  He asks about these friends a lot more often now, and wants to spend time with them because he enjoyed it so much. 

THAT is what I would like my children to grow up with.  Not mountains of toys but experiences with close relationships with the people in their lives who matter most.   

Here is the thing, I constantly think about the what if's:  What if something happened to me?  What if something happened to my children's Dad? They've built strong relationships with some family members, but others are seen on occasion and only for short periods of time.  They're unfamiliar and being young, the kids don't often remember them on special occasions and it breaks my damn heart into a million little pieces.  I remember having those special relationships with my family, I want the same for them so badly.  It will only benefit them in the long run if something were to ever happen to me. 

These are the things I think about... Deep, I know. 
Sorta anyway, there is so much more to this depth that is within me. 

But seriously...I'm going to choose to give more of my gifts...the gifts of presence. The gift of time and love.  It doesn't cost a thing, maybe a tank of gas here and there.  But it's really the only thing they need.  It's generally the only thing we all could use more of.

Be present and allow your presence. 

Oh that word...that one incredible word.

Love is a word that is overused these days, due to lesser feelings often being mistaken for it.

Infatuation

Admiration

Attraction

All of these can pose as love, and can sometimes overwhelm us and fool us into thinking that we have found the real thing when we haven't.  

Those other feelings may be pleasant for a time, but they are not real love.

Real love is rare.

It's something that quite honestly, I believe very few people ever truly experience.

We aren't really in love until we give someone part of ourselves that we can never take back.

They say the most romantic kind of love is the unfinished kind.  

The kind that will forever burn and mark your soul.  Lust tastes sweet.  Love, bittersweet.

Now, insecurity is a side effect of loving too much but receiving little in return.  

Love doesn't self destruct.  We choke it with unkind words.  
We starve it with empty promises.  

We poison it with toxic blame.  We break it by trying to bend it to our will.  

No, love doesn't die on it's own.  

WE KILL IT.

Breath, by bitter breath.  
Wise are those who realize that they hold the fate of their love in their hands and damn blessed are those that learn how to keep it alive. 

Well...I now know how I want to be loved.  It's been an interesting twist of thoughts, cause and effect of actions, everyday occurrences and even just trying over and over to attempt to love someone else for so long.   
So it makes me wonder...is this list too long to set up as an expectation of my own?

 Is it too much to ask?  
Do we let ourselves go to the point of acceptance and know that there isn't anything perfect? 

Sure, I believe that nothing is perfect.  I've seen that fact with my own eyes.  
But...is this too much??

1) Never stop courting.  Never stop dating.  NEVER EVER take me for granted.  Should you want me to marry you, if I even choose marriage again, you promise to be that man that would OWN MY HEART and to fiercely protect it.  This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with.  And I CHOSE YOU.  Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART.  Just as you committed to being the protector of my heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance.  Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for me as your lady.  Keep that space always ready to receive me and invite me in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again.  You will constantly change.  We will both never be the same people we were when we met, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today.  Change will come, and in that we have to re-choose each other everyday.  THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don't take care of my heart, I may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back.  Always fight to win my love just as you did when you were courting me.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in me.  Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged.  If you focus on what you love, you can't help but be consumed by love.  Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to have me as your woman.

5) IT'S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX ME...your job is to love me as I am with no expectation of me ever changing.  And if I change, love what I become, whether its what you wanted or not.

6)  TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions:  It's not my job to make you happy, and I CAN'T make you sad.  You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into our relationship and your love.

7)  NEVER BLAME me if YOU get frustrated or angry at me.  It is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU.  They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility.  When you feel those feelings, take time to get present and look within to understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed.  You were attracted to me because I was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them...when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by me, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow me to JUST BE.  When I'm sad or upset, it is not your job to fix it, it's your job to HOLD ME and let me know it's OK.  Let me know that you hear me and that I'm important and that you are the pillar on which I can always lean.  The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm my emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and un-judging I will trust you and open my soul to you a bit more.  

9) BE SILLY...don't take yourself so damn seriously.  Laugh.  And make me laugh.  Laughter makes everything else easier.

10)  FILL MY SOUL EVERYDAY...learn my love languages and the specific ways that I feel important and validated and CHERISHED.  Ask me to create a list of 10 THINGS that make me feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make me feel like a queen.

11)  BE PRESENT.  Give me not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul.  Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with me, then you are fully WITH ME.  Treat me as you would your most valuable client.  I am.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE ME SEXUALLY, to carry me away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume me and devour me with your strength, and to penetrate me to the deepest levels of my soul.  Let me melt into my feminine softness as I know I can trust you fully.

13) DON'T BE AN IDIOT...And don't be afraid of being one either.  You will make mistakes and so will I.  Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make.  You're not supposed to be perfect, just try not to be stupid.

14) GIVE ME SPACE...A woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes I will need to be reminded to take time to nurture myself.  Sometimes I will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds my soul, and if you give me that space I will come back with new songs to sing...(okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point.  Tell me to take time for myself, ESPECIALLY since I have kids.  I need that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find myself after I get lost in serving you, the kids and the world)

15)  BE VULNERABLE...you don't have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING...Especially those things you don't want to share.  It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let me in when you don't know if I will like what I find...Part of that courage is allowing me to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light.  DROP THE MASK...If you feel like you need to wear a mask around me, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER...The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool.  Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on a relationship.  Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY.  Money is a game, I want to find ways to work together as a  team to win it.  It never helps when teammates fight.  I want to figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past.  Don't let your history hold you hostage.  Holding onto past mistakes that either you or I make, is like a heavy anchor to your relationship and it will hold us back.  FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM.  Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE.  

In the end, this is the only advice we need.  If this is the guiding principle through which all our choices are governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of our relationship.  Love will always endure.

In the end relationships...even MARRIAGE isn't about happily ever after.  It's about work and a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity.  Through that work the happiness will come.

Love and even marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs.  Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time. 

See...that isn't too much. It's real. It's everything...Everything I want.

Those difficult ones...they are supposed to be there.

Sometimes I think that because I have pure intentions that I am doing some good in the world and that everyone will be happy.  Well, this is definitely not always the case.  Often when I see light that starts to emerge I see darkness opposing it.  But I try not to give it too much energy or weight.  As I step more fully into the light and power, those around me may sometimes feel threatened.  I just show them either where they are not embracing their own light or where it scares them and lo and behold I get the wicked lashing back.

BUT THEN: Sometimes I need to remember that they are not really "threatened" by me: they are actually threatened by their own greatness that I remind them of.

There are no enemies out there, just those that don't see themselves clearly yet and, thus, cannot see me clearly yet either.  It at times seems personal, but damn it's hard to recognize that it isn't.  Then I need to remember that they are not attacking me, because it really isn't about me.

SO to attack them back or engage in petty back and forth crap not only brings me to their level, but ultimately resolves nothing.  When I am driven by anger, I cannot create true peace.  SO, I've come to the decision to start to make true peace with myself and who I AM not whom I'm not.

The more I know about myself, the less I care about what others say about me. The more I know about myself, the less I care to say to others too.  DRAMA is the cheap way to get high.  I'm giving it up. 

Time to connect to my SELF and feel the true aliveness of my soul.  WHY the hell should I give all the small flies buzzing around me so much attention when I can enjoy the vast sunsets and miracles of each moment?

Life is too damn short to waste time worrying about what people say or think about me. Life is to precious to waste my energy fighting others who don't know me anyway.  Life is also too short to allow others behaviors determine my destiny and how much I allow my soul to shine.  Those who challenge me the most are more or less my soul's gift.  They provide me with the opportunity to put ME into real action.  They are an invitation to LOVE. 

They are a living question to ask me...How BIG am I willing to love??

Love. Now

The Big D~The hardest transitions are...

As a young girl, I instinctively appreciated the importance of friendship. I gravitated to older girls and other kids who I could admire and look up to.  Reflecting on my adult friendships, I've come to realize that true friends stick by you no matter what.  They're there for you when the chips are down, your boyfriend/husband cheats on you, or fucking ruins your life or you lose your job. Since I grew up with no siblings (not full time, I do have one however) and have been lucky to have many wonderful friends, I was surprised by how my friendships changed after THE BIG D.

After my divorce, which is now approaching 9 months ago, several friends seemed to vanish into thin air or became distant.  It was probably not wise of me to try to bottle up all my problems and not talk about them to friends and family at first.  In fact, I've barely just begun to open the doors a bit.

To this day, I struggle with figuring out why my divorce cost me friends. I've spent plenty of hours analyzing this and only recently realized that I'm not alone. When I mentioned this to a colleague, she expressed curiosity and encouraged me to cover the topic for my own piece of mind. And so I have...

Most people report that some of their friends become invisible while they're in the process of divorcing.  Sadly, this was my experience and I'm still trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.  The first few major events in town and even a holiday after my marriage collapsed, I was struck by how few invitations arrived via email or my mailbox.  I quickly learned that there are many reasons why friends disappear or become remote.

Perhaps one reason why friendships change so much after divorce is because friends--like some family members--aren't comfortable with grief and so become rejecting or "cooled off."  They might even side with your ex, not realizing that they are causing a polarizing and encouraging conflict between the two of you.  Friends and family often take sides after divorce.  Let's face it--most people don't have a clue about how to support and friend who is suddenly single and quite possibly dating.  I even went as far as searching out renowned divorce experts and they cite this.

Four main reason why friendships change after divorce are as follows. 

1.  You are seen as a threat.  As a newly divorced person, you are suddenly seen as eligible to your married friends.  So invitations die off or disappear.

2. Divorce is polarizing.  Friends tend to side with one partner--either the ex-hubby or the ex-wifey.  Rarely do friends maintain contact with both partners.  Thus, you might lose the friends who sided with your ex.

3.  Fear.  Many people fear that if they associate with others whose marriages ended, theirs will head in the same direction.  Several women told others that the shakier their friend's marriage appeared, the more quickly they were abandoned by that person.

4.  Social Stigma.  Married people are simply seen as mainstream and more acceptable in our couple-oriented culture.  While this issue has subsided somewhat in the past decade as we've witnessed the second and third generation of divorce in our country, it's still alive in many social circles.  Divorced people are viewed as part of a singles subculture where the standards are seen as looser, and that may make some married people uncomfortable.  Divorce can change the dynamics in any relationship, and particularly in friendships, it's important to set boundaries.  For instance, I might feel like venting with a friend and bemoaning the loss of a love, and they might not be up for a heavy conversation.  Letting your friends know what your needs are can be very helpful.  I have to be sure to tell others the truth  but be sensitive to their limitations and desire to discuss other topics.  It's normal to feel emotionally needy as I'm navigating the grieving process, but friends play a different role than counselors.  So give them a breather by keeping things light at times.

If you're reading this and wonder how to support a friend through post-divorce, perhaps the best thing you can do is offer them the acceptance of a listening ear.  Try to avoid appearing judgmental since your friend could be hypersensitive to comments that come across as blameful.

Think about it--when someone is grieving the loss of a marriage (or not really grieving like you'd expect them too) they need time to grieve and gain a better perspective on things.  Ideally, friends will be there for each other when they are at their worst.  Some are definitely keepers in my books.

In my case, I've been lucky to make new friends who are beginning to enrich my life since my divorce.  Fortunately, I have even held onto a few friendships for decades, in spite of my changes in lifestyle and marital status.  I've been blessed with good fortune of having many amazing friends who have been there for me during times of turmoil and triumph, as I hope I have been able to do so for them.